Why I'm voting a straight Democratic ticket

• Because I believe that the best strategy in war is defeat.
• Because I believe that if I don't have enough money, the solution is for the government to take more of my money.
• Because I believe that the ideal family is two homosexual bonobos, a goat and a parrot raising a human baby.
• Because our enemies on the battlefield deserve comfy hotel rooms, Pay-Per-View, prostitutes.
• Because I care about the real victims of crime - criminals.
• Because everyone deserves crappy healthcare.
• Most of all, I'm voting Democrat because I like the ideas they have over in France, but I don't feel like moving there.